fixing it

Lately, I have been having a terrible time trying to figure out what it is that I really want to do and who it is I really want to be.

Can I be honest??

I know what I am capable of. To some degree--I know I can do whatever I set my mind to.

It is so frustrating to see people not reach the level of potential that you see in them. I am sure many people have had that issue with me. For the most part, I have learned in my life from watching my brother and sister struggle. I never got into the party scene because of having to watch what my sister went through. I think taking it all in saved me a great deal of turmoil.

But now I am at a point in my life where no one else in my family has been.

I am doing things no one else in my family has done.

There is this awful precedent that has been set for my life and I think I have more fear of trying to get past it and failing than anything else. I am okay with being wrong, I don't maintain regret very long but I have to admit...I have a lot of options coming up in my life. God is giving me so many hands to choose from and what if I strive so hard to reach them...and I try so hard to run past the line that everyone else stopped at...and I say no to all of the things holding me back...and what if I get right up to the line..and instead of crossing it, I fall back just like everyone else has done? The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I think even worse than caring, is caring so much and being so scared to screw it up--so instead of trying your hardest you end up pretending to just not care at all.

Sometimes I try so hard and it still doesn't go through and I find myself thinking, "What else can I possibly do?" And sometimes there is NOTHING else you can do. 

You would think coming back from a missions trip I would be so spiritually in tact. That I would have this new found faith in God. That I would see things in some new and amazing light...but the truth is, the last few months are the farthest I have felt from God in a really long time. Is it me? Have I strayed off? Did I stop caring? Or is He is just being quiet?

Its so frustrating to want so badly to break a chain, to change the world, to accomplish something for God bigger than I knew I could but then to suddenly feel like God isn't here.

I am not naive. I know He is here. And I know I cannot accomplish anything fully without Him.

I am just drained. And I am not sure how to fix myself.