Whispers

Do you ever get the feeling that all God wants us to do is ASK Him?

One of my sister's asked me for prayer today. Sorta a big deal since she doesn't really believe in God. Of course, I'm always praying for her, but knowing precisely what to pray for helps. Knowing how much more powerful prayer is when it is more than one person, I pretty much asked everyone I know to pray too.

I was talking to God and telling Him what was going on and for some reason I had this twisting feeling in me that He wanted her to ask. Like, if she would just ask Him for help it would make a huge difference.
Isn't that funny how we do that?

We ask other people to pray for us (which is of course a great thing, don't get me wrong) but do ever think sometimes that maybe God just wants to hear from you?
He wants that little whisper for help to be to Him instead of the air...
He wants that cry for an answer to be a cry to Him instead of something that is only going to make it worse. He wants to be our father that we run to...

I think there have probably been a few times lately where God was saying, "Shannon, just sit and be with me." that I have missed.
This is a big moment in my sister's life and I wonder if she has cried out yet for herself...?

Moving Boxes

So technically I "moved" out when I moved to L.A. after I graduated. But since I didn't like L.A. right away and had no intention of staying very long, I still had a bedroom here with all of my stuff. Everytime that I would come home to visit I would end up taking things back to the Dream Center with me. Well, it's finally gotten to the point where I realize that I may be in Los Angeles for a bit longer than I thought and so this trip may be my last long trip for a while.

I took my curtains down and packed them in my suitcase. I went thrugh every piece of clothing (socks, shirts, pants, shorts, shoes...etc) and put every single item (most of them) that I was never going to wear into big garbage bags for my older sister. I took all my art down off my walls and put it in my big black truck. I packed abox of certain books, or pictures I want to send to LA but mostly...I realize..that I have taken everything with me. I am leaving some candles, some books, my stereo....but when you walk into that room, that only thing that resembles me is the lavendar walls and the smell of incense in the air.

How strange.

I threw away all of my old journals too. It's like letting go of this huge chunk of your life. Not letting go of who you are...but who you were. In the faith of who you are becoming.
It's sort of a daunting feeling.

I know my mom is going to cry when she sees it.

But, as nervous as I am for my future, I am excited to see what is next and I am excited for the next few years.

Here's to change.
I want to be it.

I'm starting school this year

I know that doesn't sound like a big deal to everyone else who has already done it and is doing it, but I am a little nervous. And by a little I mean a lot.

I'm not sure what I am going to do.
Once again--I know that sounds lame.
But think about it...I am going to spend thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars on school. I am going to do well, and get a degree in something...
But what if I get a degree and then realize later on in life.."Wow..I don't want to do that at all..." ??

What if I spend a SUBSTANTIAL amount of time on the WRONG thing...?

fixing it

Lately, I have been having a terrible time trying to figure out what it is that I really want to do and who it is I really want to be.

Can I be honest??

I know what I am capable of. To some degree--I know I can do whatever I set my mind to.

It is so frustrating to see people not reach the level of potential that you see in them. I am sure many people have had that issue with me. For the most part, I have learned in my life from watching my brother and sister struggle. I never got into the party scene because of having to watch what my sister went through. I think taking it all in saved me a great deal of turmoil.

But now I am at a point in my life where no one else in my family has been.

I am doing things no one else in my family has done.

There is this awful precedent that has been set for my life and I think I have more fear of trying to get past it and failing than anything else. I am okay with being wrong, I don't maintain regret very long but I have to admit...I have a lot of options coming up in my life. God is giving me so many hands to choose from and what if I strive so hard to reach them...and I try so hard to run past the line that everyone else stopped at...and I say no to all of the things holding me back...and what if I get right up to the line..and instead of crossing it, I fall back just like everyone else has done? The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I think even worse than caring, is caring so much and being so scared to screw it up--so instead of trying your hardest you end up pretending to just not care at all.

Sometimes I try so hard and it still doesn't go through and I find myself thinking, "What else can I possibly do?" And sometimes there is NOTHING else you can do. 

You would think coming back from a missions trip I would be so spiritually in tact. That I would have this new found faith in God. That I would see things in some new and amazing light...but the truth is, the last few months are the farthest I have felt from God in a really long time. Is it me? Have I strayed off? Did I stop caring? Or is He is just being quiet?

Its so frustrating to want so badly to break a chain, to change the world, to accomplish something for God bigger than I knew I could but then to suddenly feel like God isn't here.

I am not naive. I know He is here. And I know I cannot accomplish anything fully without Him.

I am just drained. And I am not sure how to fix myself. 

Opening Night

Tonight was the opening night of Joy of Christmas. It was a bit unorganized on the side of my department and I have to admit that I have spent a vast majority of my time in the last week and a half stressing out about things getting printed, getting things on time, things being in order...and guess what? I still didn't have things printed, or things on time, and things were still chaotic.

Ya know whats funny?

I love my job. I really enjoy what I am doing right now which I think is a huge blessing. 

But I have become SO distracted.

Someone made a comment to me about how much I have complained in the last week.

I was actually shocked. I didn't mind the bluntness but I did mind that if it was true, I hadn't noticed. How could I not notice?

I started thinking about the last couple weeks since I have been home.

I have been on a GO-GO-GO schedule, only because I wanted to be. I was working all the time to get things done and I was running on the adrenaline that burning in me.

Well guess what? The adrenaline ran out today and I found myself frustrated and sitting in my chair staring at my computer thinking, "I just want to sleep through this day" and almost crying. That was when I asked myself, 

'Shannon when was the last time you read your bible?'

'Shannon when was the last time you really sat down and prayed?'

'Shannon when was the last time you consulted God for REAL?'

I was really disturbed with myself to find the answers.

What makes me think I could do ANYTHING without Him? I am doing a lot now, but how much MORE can I do with Him? How selfish am I to think I don't need Him for even one day?

Tonight was rough but I had to walk away saying...people were saved. People heard something and reacted to it. They felt God there and even though the fliers weren't printed, and the posters weren't up and the tickets weren't all right and I was frustrated...God still succeeded. Why? Because God always comes through, even when we feel like we have failed.

The good news is, it can only go up from  here.

Praise Him. : )

Shan

Where Are You?

I think that for most of my life I have had pretty low expectations for myself. Not because I didn't think I was capable or because I didn't think I could accomplish something, but just because I didn't want to reach through the film to get through to the real facts of life.

I was standing in this trash dump in Jalapa, Guatemala taking in my surroundings. There have been very few instances that have left me utterly speechless, but that was right up there with watching my Dad walk out on our family and flick his cigarette butt out the window when he drove away. I didn't know how to respond. I stood in the trash and let me feet be attacked by flees as my gaze stayed on a little girl with brown curls and browner eyes. Her feet were bare. Hair tattered. Face hard and emotionless. But she was beautiful. She held the hand of an older girl in torn up pink pants and looked at me with a look of confusion. We just stared at one another. Clutching the side of my bag, I watched, horrified, as dozens and dozens of flies crawled over her perfect face. She couldn't have been more than 4 years old. But she just kept staring at me. What was she thinking? What was going through her mind? Our gaze was broken by the older  girl shooing the flies from the little girls brown skin. My steps faltered and I returned to reality.

 The reality of the whole situation was sinking in. Children, as young as two, being drug through dirty trash. Walking barefoot on glass and things that could only harm you. I didn't know what to do. I immediately called out to God and asked Him, "Where ARE you in all of this?" It didn't take long before God replied quietly to me and asked me, "Where are YOU in all of this?"

And that's the true question isn't it?

We look at our world and we look at the horrible things going on in our world, and we say 'How awful. How terrible. How dreadful.' 

We want to see change. I think a lot of people WANT to see change. But I don't think a lot of people want to go through the work to CREATE change.

Why do we sell ourselves short? Why do we expect so little of ourselves? Why do we think things are so impossible? Why can't we trust the vision, pursue the ideas, live the passion, make the difference?

Where am I in the mess of the world? What am I REALLY doing? 

If I have to be tired for the rest of my life trying to make it happen...If I have to work until I can no longer breathe...If I have to continue to have faith when no one else around me believes... I am going to do something to help change this world. I don't care if I do it alone and no one else believes I can do it...I.AM.GOING.TO.DO.SOME.THING.

Because what happens if one day I look back on my life and I ask myself, "What did I do?" And the answer really is nothing? I went on a couple trips...helped a few people...gave some food out...But what real difference was made?

When God asks me, "Where are you in this?" I want to be able to stand confidently and say, "Right here. Holding the hand that needs me."

So...who's ready to be in it with me?

time

Ever get so busy that you find you forget to breathe?

Things have been CRAZY since I got back from Guatemala. I am trying to enroll at Glendale Community College to start in February and Christmas stuff at the Dream Center doesn't slow down until it's over. I love it, but I am pretty much preparing myself to not sleep for the next four years. After I start school, it's going to be interesting to balance everything.

I am hoping eventually I can quit starbucks, of course that wouldn't happen unless I was getting paid at the Dream Center (which is def. not happening for a long time). I would rather just work one job and do a really good job than have two and have to go back and forth. 

If anyone wants to pray for balance, that'd be great because I am going to have a part time job, a full time volunteer job (which is way more than volunteer) and full time school.

Good lord.

I'll probably need the coffee. : )