Whispers

Do you ever get the feeling that all God wants us to do is ASK Him?

One of my sister's asked me for prayer today. Sorta a big deal since she doesn't really believe in God. Of course, I'm always praying for her, but knowing precisely what to pray for helps. Knowing how much more powerful prayer is when it is more than one person, I pretty much asked everyone I know to pray too.

I was talking to God and telling Him what was going on and for some reason I had this twisting feeling in me that He wanted her to ask. Like, if she would just ask Him for help it would make a huge difference.
Isn't that funny how we do that?

We ask other people to pray for us (which is of course a great thing, don't get me wrong) but do ever think sometimes that maybe God just wants to hear from you?
He wants that little whisper for help to be to Him instead of the air...
He wants that cry for an answer to be a cry to Him instead of something that is only going to make it worse. He wants to be our father that we run to...

I think there have probably been a few times lately where God was saying, "Shannon, just sit and be with me." that I have missed.
This is a big moment in my sister's life and I wonder if she has cried out yet for herself...?

Moving Boxes

So technically I "moved" out when I moved to L.A. after I graduated. But since I didn't like L.A. right away and had no intention of staying very long, I still had a bedroom here with all of my stuff. Everytime that I would come home to visit I would end up taking things back to the Dream Center with me. Well, it's finally gotten to the point where I realize that I may be in Los Angeles for a bit longer than I thought and so this trip may be my last long trip for a while.

I took my curtains down and packed them in my suitcase. I went thrugh every piece of clothing (socks, shirts, pants, shorts, shoes...etc) and put every single item (most of them) that I was never going to wear into big garbage bags for my older sister. I took all my art down off my walls and put it in my big black truck. I packed abox of certain books, or pictures I want to send to LA but mostly...I realize..that I have taken everything with me. I am leaving some candles, some books, my stereo....but when you walk into that room, that only thing that resembles me is the lavendar walls and the smell of incense in the air.

How strange.

I threw away all of my old journals too. It's like letting go of this huge chunk of your life. Not letting go of who you are...but who you were. In the faith of who you are becoming.
It's sort of a daunting feeling.

I know my mom is going to cry when she sees it.

But, as nervous as I am for my future, I am excited to see what is next and I am excited for the next few years.

Here's to change.
I want to be it.

I'm starting school this year

I know that doesn't sound like a big deal to everyone else who has already done it and is doing it, but I am a little nervous. And by a little I mean a lot.

I'm not sure what I am going to do.
Once again--I know that sounds lame.
But think about it...I am going to spend thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars on school. I am going to do well, and get a degree in something...
But what if I get a degree and then realize later on in life.."Wow..I don't want to do that at all..." ??

What if I spend a SUBSTANTIAL amount of time on the WRONG thing...?

fixing it

Lately, I have been having a terrible time trying to figure out what it is that I really want to do and who it is I really want to be.

Can I be honest??

I know what I am capable of. To some degree--I know I can do whatever I set my mind to.

It is so frustrating to see people not reach the level of potential that you see in them. I am sure many people have had that issue with me. For the most part, I have learned in my life from watching my brother and sister struggle. I never got into the party scene because of having to watch what my sister went through. I think taking it all in saved me a great deal of turmoil.

But now I am at a point in my life where no one else in my family has been.

I am doing things no one else in my family has done.

There is this awful precedent that has been set for my life and I think I have more fear of trying to get past it and failing than anything else. I am okay with being wrong, I don't maintain regret very long but I have to admit...I have a lot of options coming up in my life. God is giving me so many hands to choose from and what if I strive so hard to reach them...and I try so hard to run past the line that everyone else stopped at...and I say no to all of the things holding me back...and what if I get right up to the line..and instead of crossing it, I fall back just like everyone else has done? The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I think even worse than caring, is caring so much and being so scared to screw it up--so instead of trying your hardest you end up pretending to just not care at all.

Sometimes I try so hard and it still doesn't go through and I find myself thinking, "What else can I possibly do?" And sometimes there is NOTHING else you can do. 

You would think coming back from a missions trip I would be so spiritually in tact. That I would have this new found faith in God. That I would see things in some new and amazing light...but the truth is, the last few months are the farthest I have felt from God in a really long time. Is it me? Have I strayed off? Did I stop caring? Or is He is just being quiet?

Its so frustrating to want so badly to break a chain, to change the world, to accomplish something for God bigger than I knew I could but then to suddenly feel like God isn't here.

I am not naive. I know He is here. And I know I cannot accomplish anything fully without Him.

I am just drained. And I am not sure how to fix myself. 

Opening Night

Tonight was the opening night of Joy of Christmas. It was a bit unorganized on the side of my department and I have to admit that I have spent a vast majority of my time in the last week and a half stressing out about things getting printed, getting things on time, things being in order...and guess what? I still didn't have things printed, or things on time, and things were still chaotic.

Ya know whats funny?

I love my job. I really enjoy what I am doing right now which I think is a huge blessing. 

But I have become SO distracted.

Someone made a comment to me about how much I have complained in the last week.

I was actually shocked. I didn't mind the bluntness but I did mind that if it was true, I hadn't noticed. How could I not notice?

I started thinking about the last couple weeks since I have been home.

I have been on a GO-GO-GO schedule, only because I wanted to be. I was working all the time to get things done and I was running on the adrenaline that burning in me.

Well guess what? The adrenaline ran out today and I found myself frustrated and sitting in my chair staring at my computer thinking, "I just want to sleep through this day" and almost crying. That was when I asked myself, 

'Shannon when was the last time you read your bible?'

'Shannon when was the last time you really sat down and prayed?'

'Shannon when was the last time you consulted God for REAL?'

I was really disturbed with myself to find the answers.

What makes me think I could do ANYTHING without Him? I am doing a lot now, but how much MORE can I do with Him? How selfish am I to think I don't need Him for even one day?

Tonight was rough but I had to walk away saying...people were saved. People heard something and reacted to it. They felt God there and even though the fliers weren't printed, and the posters weren't up and the tickets weren't all right and I was frustrated...God still succeeded. Why? Because God always comes through, even when we feel like we have failed.

The good news is, it can only go up from  here.

Praise Him. : )

Shan

Where Are You?

I think that for most of my life I have had pretty low expectations for myself. Not because I didn't think I was capable or because I didn't think I could accomplish something, but just because I didn't want to reach through the film to get through to the real facts of life.

I was standing in this trash dump in Jalapa, Guatemala taking in my surroundings. There have been very few instances that have left me utterly speechless, but that was right up there with watching my Dad walk out on our family and flick his cigarette butt out the window when he drove away. I didn't know how to respond. I stood in the trash and let me feet be attacked by flees as my gaze stayed on a little girl with brown curls and browner eyes. Her feet were bare. Hair tattered. Face hard and emotionless. But she was beautiful. She held the hand of an older girl in torn up pink pants and looked at me with a look of confusion. We just stared at one another. Clutching the side of my bag, I watched, horrified, as dozens and dozens of flies crawled over her perfect face. She couldn't have been more than 4 years old. But she just kept staring at me. What was she thinking? What was going through her mind? Our gaze was broken by the older  girl shooing the flies from the little girls brown skin. My steps faltered and I returned to reality.

 The reality of the whole situation was sinking in. Children, as young as two, being drug through dirty trash. Walking barefoot on glass and things that could only harm you. I didn't know what to do. I immediately called out to God and asked Him, "Where ARE you in all of this?" It didn't take long before God replied quietly to me and asked me, "Where are YOU in all of this?"

And that's the true question isn't it?

We look at our world and we look at the horrible things going on in our world, and we say 'How awful. How terrible. How dreadful.' 

We want to see change. I think a lot of people WANT to see change. But I don't think a lot of people want to go through the work to CREATE change.

Why do we sell ourselves short? Why do we expect so little of ourselves? Why do we think things are so impossible? Why can't we trust the vision, pursue the ideas, live the passion, make the difference?

Where am I in the mess of the world? What am I REALLY doing? 

If I have to be tired for the rest of my life trying to make it happen...If I have to work until I can no longer breathe...If I have to continue to have faith when no one else around me believes... I am going to do something to help change this world. I don't care if I do it alone and no one else believes I can do it...I.AM.GOING.TO.DO.SOME.THING.

Because what happens if one day I look back on my life and I ask myself, "What did I do?" And the answer really is nothing? I went on a couple trips...helped a few people...gave some food out...But what real difference was made?

When God asks me, "Where are you in this?" I want to be able to stand confidently and say, "Right here. Holding the hand that needs me."

So...who's ready to be in it with me?

time

Ever get so busy that you find you forget to breathe?

Things have been CRAZY since I got back from Guatemala. I am trying to enroll at Glendale Community College to start in February and Christmas stuff at the Dream Center doesn't slow down until it's over. I love it, but I am pretty much preparing myself to not sleep for the next four years. After I start school, it's going to be interesting to balance everything.

I am hoping eventually I can quit starbucks, of course that wouldn't happen unless I was getting paid at the Dream Center (which is def. not happening for a long time). I would rather just work one job and do a really good job than have two and have to go back and forth. 

If anyone wants to pray for balance, that'd be great because I am going to have a part time job, a full time volunteer job (which is way more than volunteer) and full time school.

Good lord.

I'll probably need the coffee. : )

insomnia

I am currently suffering of a bad case of insomnia. wakefulness. 

I think my body is not use to sleeping here now so instead of dozing off, I just stare at the ceiling.

I wish someone else was awake.

Someone wake up.

I am sitting in the missions housing in Guatemala city right now.
Its 12:21am here.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I cant believe we are leaving. Perri, Chris and I are sitting in the dark just hanging out and its sort of just strange...this is our last night. We will all sort of go our seperate ways. Will we remain friends? To some degree I am sure. Did we make a difference here? Only God knows how much. I have learned lately how to say goodbye to people, but it never makes it any easier, does it?

Turkey and Thanks

Tomorrow it will be Thanksgiving. I cant believe that!!

I wish we could all take a moment every day to think about all the blessings we have been given, instead of just focusing on it once a year.Have you thought about that lately?
Have you told your kids how much you love them today or your wife or husband?
Have you looked at the food on your table and thought, "wow I am blessed that I can have this"? Have you looked at the place where you live and thought about how blessed you are to have somewhere safe to go home to??

It's easy, as humans, to be unsatisfied with what we have or where we are in life.It's easy to look at the things other people have and wish we had them. I have only been out of highschool for a year and a half and in that time, and since coming to the Dream Center as a volunteer, God has shown me so much.How can you see a child working in a dump, barefoot, sick and starving and still be selfish enough to wish you had more?? Personally, I am finding it hard to do.Maybe this week and this holiday season, instead of focusing on the stress or the presents or the lights...we should focus on something a little more permanement.

Can we look past what we struggle with to see what we have been blessed with?Can we see our families that love us, or our friends that challenge us? Can we see God's provision in our lives and trust that He has everything under control? Can we see the sky a little bluer and smile a little bigger?

YOU ARE ALIVE!!!You have the opportunity to do ANYTHING with your life...Dont waste it.Be Thankful that God has placed you where you are at for a reason and He knows better than us what is good for us. Notice your blessings, because not everyone is fortunate enough to have those blessings.Enjoy your Turkey and eat an extra scoop of stuffing for me!!

Shan

i am alive, indeed

So today was our day off. Day off translates into somethin adventurous or crazy so the boys forget they are outnumbered with girls.We decided to go to these thermal springs at this river. Our truck had no problem getting over the streets but our van that is clearly not made for 4x4 had a bit of a rough time. Needless to say it is designed to have 15 people on PAVED roads.Anywayswe had our day got a tan ate some lunch and then decided to head back. About 5 minutes into the trip I feel this prompting to put on my seat belt. so I fumble around for it because no one wears them here and I dont even know where it is and strap myself in. Not 3 minutes later we have to cross a bridge that clearly should not be crossed by vehicles. Part of it is missing. So our poor van goes up and Chris floors the thing and we arent moving up this huge hill and are only going deeper into the mud that is there. I start saying, should we get out...but no response.He starts to reverse and the girl back starts screaming, YOU ARE NOT ON YOU ARE NOT ON but he clearly didnt hear and all of a sudden we hear the back wheel go off the edge and all the people in the truck behind us scream. If not for a huge dirt pile we would have instantly been over the side of the cliff. I am sitting there thinking...oh jesus, I was prompted to put my seatbelt on because we are going over. I am going to die. I am not ready to die....so they try to open the door and cant so I say screw that and grab my bag and jump out the big side window, sliding down the edge of the van on the way.thankfully, we didnt die and we didnt go over the edge. however, on our next day off I am suggesting a movie and popcorn.love. shannon.

new chapters

I'm starting to get a little nervous about this upcoming time in my life.

I think I am pretty capable of everything heading my way but  it's strange to think about.

I am leaving for a month to go tell people about Jesus and be an example of love for them.

Am I qualified for that?

Truth:: none of us are. 

I come back and continue working in marketing and start school in February and jump into this thick chapter of my life that there is no way to skim through, thumb through, or skip through.

I feel like it's a chapter bound to have errors and corrections that people are going to have no fear pointing out. 

I can almost feel things irking up that are going to be things I have to work on, things that I have to turn around, things that I have to change.

Thats normal, but having those things pointed out can be painful, I think.

I know the next few years hold huge opportunities.

Tomorrow holds huge opportunities, for that matter.

But sometimes I am not sure I am fit to do all of the things I am about to jump into.

Thank God that He sees me in a way I don't understand because I swear it is the only thing that is making me not fold the corner of the page and set the book down.

Good.

"Walk with integrity because every choice you make will effect your next opportunity."

Halloween

I got my halloween costume. I am going to be a fairy. I am going to cover myself in glitter and sprinkle fairy dust on people all night. hehe Here is my costume!!!

Traditions

Do you have any traditions?

The Holidays are so warm for me. Despite my family life being a little crazy, I have been so blessed with the traditions and love that surround me. Every year around this time I just begin to get a little loopy.

When I was growing up, we would listen to mariah carey christmas and the carpenters christmas CD every summer on Family vacations. My Dad and I recently started making Thanksgiving Dinner together. We are the kind of people who eat it while we cook and end up stuffed before anyone else gets there.

I cant imagine not having siblings. What would Christmas morning be like without the sister or brother running in and jumping on your bed to wake you up to open Stockings and see what Santa brought? My aunt's coffeecake...my mom's hashbrowns..."Its a wonderful life" and "White Christmas". Thanksgiving day parades. Game nights by the Christmas tree. Yahtzee. Saturday Market with My dad in portland the weekend before Christmas. Our family Fudge. 

I just love the holidays. I love what they do to and within people.

I cant wait to have my own family and create our own traditions. 

Life is so magical. 

: )

I can't believe that in nine days I will be getting on a plane to leave the country.

There is no other time in my life where I will be able to just...pick up and go. It's really quite shocking to me that all of this is happening.

Life is so crazy!!

I graduate high school.

Leave to Argentina.

Pack and up and buy a one way ticket to LA.

Deal with all my issues until I realize how amazing it really is here.

Leave for Guatemala

plan to start school in February...

Can things get anymore exciting?

I AM GOING!!

I was sitting in my office last night thinking about Guatemala and how badly I wanted to go.

I told God that I had absolutely no more means within my own capability to get the rest of the money to go. I told Him that I had done everything I could do and the rest he would have to take care of. I needed $605. Plus money for while I was down there. Plus money to get things I needed before I left. I told him that He had 12 days and I knew He was bigger than this.

I have been opening at 5 AM on saturdays at Starbucks to get money for Guatemala. The great thing about Saturdays is all our regular costumers. One of them is this tall good looking older guy named Patrick. We started chatting a few weeks ago and my trip came up. I explained to him what I was doing and why I was going and he was so excited about it. I brought him one of my letters about my trip so he could read more about why I wanted to go. That was probably 2 weeks ago.

This morning Patrick showed up to get his iced grande red eye and gave me an envelope with "Shannon Rae Galford" written on the front. He told me that he probably wouldn't see me before I left  (in eleven days) but to have an amazing trip. I had a huge line so I couldnt open the envelope. Once my line was gone and people were waiting for the drinks, I went to the back and opened the card. This is what the card read...

"Shannon,

I think what you're doing is a wonderful, giving, selfless gift to those children. That kind of spirit is what this world needs more of. You definitely do shine. I, too, was a complete mess and a discovery and surrendering to a higher power saved me and my life. Please take this contribution to your trip with all my love and prayers.

Best, 

Patrick."

I was so touched. In the envelope was another envelope. Inside was a check for one thousand dollars. ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. I started crying immediately. I could not believe that someone, who is virtually a stranger, would invest so much into something I believed in. Not only did this pay for my trip but everything else I would need. I went to thank him but he was already gone.

The really cool part, that Patrick doesn't know, is that not only is helping send me, but he created a walking testimony to so many people. A lot of the people I work with and even most of my family are not christians. But they have heard me going on and on and on about how I knew God was going to take care of it all. Even in my few moments of doubt, I told them. And now, they can see first hand, just how big, and how amazing and how faithful God really is.

I am so excited to go help.

I am so excited I get to go.

I am so excited God is sending me.

Adventure mode just kicked in.

Adventure

Can I just say that I love my job?

God continually surprises me. Everyday He shows me something or tells me something that leaves me whispering, "Really? Me?"

Some of the things He has asked me to do, I didn't even know I was capable of doing. Now, I am working for amazing people, a part of an incredible ministry working to transform LA and, potentially, learning how to help change the world.

That sounds big, doesn't it? CHANGING THE WORLD. But that's truly what I want to do. I'm not sure how, or even where to begin but I want to be a part of it. I'm only 19. I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am to be working where I am, doing what I am doing, gaining the experience I am and working for people with wisdom and Godly character. I am young. Do you know how much more I can still do?

I don't really know what's next.

The next few years hold opportunities and possibilities that I have yet to ever encounter in my life. I am at this pivotal point in my life where I can do ANYTHING and all I have to do is decide what it is.

Ultimately, I just want to be helping people with whatever I am doing, behind the scenes or in the streets. I want to never stop learning from others. I want to thrive. I want to reach people. I want to change lives. I want to love in a way that makes a difference.

Ever feel like anytime now your life is going to take a dive into adventure mode and all you can do is strap yourself in and get ready for the ride??